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Critique request: Anyone up for a fight?

Some quick new fiction below. Request follows.

She tilted her mouth to his ear, her words clinging and winding around his brain like sticky spider’s silk: “Get rid of him.”

Axton turned and took a single step toward Hal, who slid back a step of equal measure, still warning, “She’s controlling you. But you can fight her-”

“Get out,” Axton told him through his teeth. Taking another step, he curled his fingers into a fist, forcing his arm to stay at his side. Don’t go for the gun, he thought. Don’t go for the gun

“Axton,” Hal began.

Widow followed a beat after, the threatening prompt of her voice thumping with his blood: “Axton.”

“Get out!” Axton shouted, and he lunged at Hal, fist leading the way.

Hal sidestepped, hair flapping. Squaring his shoulders, he turned on his side, to make a smaller target. But Axton was faster, knew the tricks, and grabbed Hal by the front of his jacket, yanking him in for a sharp knee to the gut.

Hal doubled over but didn’t drop. Axton felt something hard – a fist – slam into his belly. Hearing himself grunt, he fought again against his survival instinct.

not the gun not the gun not the gun

An “action” scene from my latest venture. I’m trying hard to make these better with each permutation of my writing. There’s more, of course, but that would be spoiling things, wouldn’t it?

For those of you who write action, care to share your thoughts? Tips? Critique? I’m open to suggestions!

100-Word Challenge: Turnabout

I’m back in the world of the Stowaways, for this week’s 100 Word Challenge for Grown-Ups (week 56).

Julia is offering the following for our prompt:
“…as my penance [for last week’s confusion,] I am posting what I hope is an easier prompt for you but with a link to my apology. The prompt is: … being clear is essential to …”

There was no direction that we needed to include those specific words (Julia is often very clear about that), so I didn’t. But, hopefully, you’ll see why it’s often so necessary to follow instructions.


“You’re not taking us back!” Stoll shouted, just as the hunter vaulted over the table, smashing his boot into Stoll’s face; blood arced from his nose as Stoll crashed to the floor, his rifle clattering beside.

Lelia’s pistol flashed up, but the hunter spun on her, slapping his hand to the base of her head to send her to the floor, too.

Tych squeezed his gloves around his spanner, but that was all. The next second, he was staring down the hunter’s gun barrel.

“Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear,” the big man growled. “I said, you’re coming with me.”

Action is not my strong suit, but I do enjoy dabbling with it, every now and again. I figured it was warranted for this moment, seeing as it’s a follow-up to Aral’s scene, from an earlier prompt.

I’m thinking more and more I’d like to examine these characters in greater detail. Perhaps for this year’s NaNoWriMo?

How clear did your scene or story come out this week?